A Peaceful Home

Joining in with Blessed is She for another link-up!   This week's theme is Peace, and as always, God's timing is perfect.

Having a toddler forces you to take a long, hard look in the mirror every moment of every day.  As a stay at home mom, I've been struggling lately to be the wife and mother I had always envisioned myself becoming.  Insecurity, fear, and anger are robbing me, and my amazing family, of the love, peace, and joy Christ calls us to.  My negative emotions mean there is little room for peace in our home.  It's time to look in the mirror.

I recently came across an article that describes anger as the surface of much deeper issues.  With tears streaming down my face, I realized I need to do some self healing (and possibly...no, definitely, take a nap).  It isn't January 1st, but today is always a good day for a resolution!  Perhaps goals is a better title for this.  #lifegoals?  Alright, moving on...

Things I wish for this holiday season...

To love myself more
To forgive (both myself and others)
To speak, think, and act with love
To choose kindness, always
To choose joy each day
To let my children see the Mom I've always hoped to be
To show the love of Christ to all
To find more time for Jesus, even when I've already found plenty
To bring peace to my heart, and peace to my home

I know, with Christ, I can do these things.  With His help, all things are possible.  He has already changed my heart in so many ways.

I will end with my favorite prayer and song to St. Francis:

Make me a channel of your peace.  
Where there is hatred let me bring your  love.  Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord  And where there's doubt, true faith in you.  

Make me a channel of your peaceWhere there's despair in life, let me bringhope  Where there is darkness, only light  And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Oh, Master grant that I may never seekSo much to be consoled as to console  To be understood as to understand  To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving to all that we receive,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

Amen.

 

BIS Sisterhood | Living Faith

It's that time again!!  I am SO excited to be joining back into the #BISsisterhood link-up with Blessed is She!   If you're a Catholic woman looking for an awesome community of sisters in Christ, check them out!  You can even get daily devotions right to your inbox each morning...life saver for this mama!

This week's topic is "Living Faith", which made me both excited and nervous.

"Faith is meant to be LIVED! How are you living it out today?"

Well, gosh...I spent all afternoon washing the dishes without complaining, does that count?

In all honesty though, I stole an idea heard on an episode of the Building Bridges podcast (seriously, those ladies rock; you should  have them over for digital coffee), and I try to make each part of my day a prayer.

Sometimes the prayer is a simple "thank you, God for this beautiful weather", sometimes it's a Hail Mary said as I load dishes into the washer, or try to match yet another pair of socks...and sometimes it's me face to the floor (or to the sky, depending on the day) saying "God. Help."

A more recent addition to living my faith is something so simple, I used to take it for granted.

I make plans.

A little over a year ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about making plans; of course I could go to that get together!  A concert? Sounds great!  But when my world was rocked with a life-long illness, I froze in my tracks.  Thinking about the next five minutes terrified me, never mind next week.  Would I feel well enough to attend that party?  Could I actually simon the strength to bring a dish, or help out?  Or my worst fear, would I even be home? Would I be in the hospital again?

These are questions that still pop into my head when anyone asks me to show up somewhere more than an hour from when they ask, but I am no longer paralyzed in fear.  Looking back on my life and seeing all the situations where God showed up and blew all my insecurities right out of the water...how could I not believe He would show up again?  I know He will, so I say yes to plans.  I say yes to my future, because I have complete faith in His perfect will for my life.

Play dates, kitchen dance sessions, and throwing joy around like confetti.  This is my living faith; my heart is full.

Saying Yes

Today's post is part of a blog link-up with Blessed is She!  If you are looking for an amazing community of Catholic women and great devotionals, I really encourage you to check them out!  Today's #BISsisterhood topic is obedience.

I am a planner by nature.  I generally do very well with life, as long as whatever happens was part of my plan (I can hear God chuckling at me now).  By the time I was 15, I had the next ten years of my life beautifully laid out in a neat little timeline; I "knew" when I was getting married, when I would have my first child, when we would buy our first house, and how many children we would have.  My plan was beautiful, it was perfect, and it left no room for life to actually happen.

I spent the majority of my teen years and a good part of my twenties fighting God's will for my life.  I couldn't understand why He was allowing all of these seemingly terrible things to happen to me.  "Why me?" was a running track in my head, and it wasn't pretty.  I was depressed, anxious, and angry that my perfect plan wasn't working at all like I'd hoped.

I don't remember the exact moment, but at some point I woke up in life and realized that I wasn't in charge.  I knew, of course, that God was in control of my life, but I didn't believe that He was in control.  I was exhausted from trying life my way, and longing for something I just couldn't find.  It was time for a change, and that change was obedience.  It was time for me to humble myself and say yes to God's will for my life.

I wish I could write that the moment I said yes to God life became a garden of sunshine and roses, but that's not how He works.  God doesn't want us to suffer, He wants us to grow.   

Being obedient to God and saying yes every day is messy, but it is beautiful.  Several people have asked how I can remain joyful through all the sufferings of life, and I'm slowly learning the answer; obedience to Christ's will for my life.  When I submit to His will, I have nothing to worry about because I've stopped trying to make my plan work. It's freeing and brings me so much peace, in spite of whatever suffering is asked of me.  I can suffer with joy in my heart, because I know God is using every part of my life for His glory…every moment is an opportunity to grow closer to Him, to say yes and watch Him work.

The morning offering has become one of my favorite prayers because it reminds me to say yes every day.  I love to meditate on the words and soak them into my heart.

Morning Offering
Dear Lord, I do not know what will happen to me today. I only know that nothing will happen that was not foreseen by You, and directed to my greater good from all eternity. I adore Your holy and unfathomable plans, and submit to them with all my heart for love of You, the Pope, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Amen.

"Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be
You pledge yourself to me, and it's why I sing
Your praise will ever be on my lips." - Bethel Music

Trust with Pennies

Today's post is part of a blog link-up with Blessed is She!  If you are looking for an amazing community of Catholic women and great devotionals, I really encourage you to check them out!  Today's #BISsisterhood topic is trust.

I had to smile when I saw that this week's topic was "trust".  God knows exactly what we need, right when we need it.  I am reminded over and over again that He really does hear and see us.

My dad tried for years when I was a teen to get me to understand financial responsibility.  I understood on a surface level, but not a real-world-adult level, so I was not smart with the money I made working as a teen and young adult.  I cringe when I think of how much money I wasted on clothes and concert tickets, especially on days like today.

Thomas and I have been married for nearly 4 years (time flies!), and money has always been "tight".  By tight, I mean that we've gone through several periods of un (or under) employment, and two medical crisis that left Thomas unable to work, and me without a job. It has been stressful.  It has been humbling.  It has required so much trust.

These last few months have been good to us; we were just starting to pick ourselves up from the most recent medical crisis, and I had finally found budgeting software that was written in "Meesh" as we like to say.  It made sense to my brain, and as a result we actually had a working family budget.  It felt great!  I have just started reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book, and we were beginning the first baby step: saving an emergency fund.  

Then Toyota called with a report on our car in the shop.  The brakes need to be replaced, and it's not covered in the warranty.

To quote Mr. Ramsey, "I am positive; it is going to rain, so you need a rainy day fund."  

I would also add trusting God in there as an essential part of your rain attire…just sayin'.

So now we pray, trust, and humble ourselves yet again.  Asking for help, and trusting that God will provide has got to be one of the hardest things I have ever attempted in my life.  As many times as we've needed the support and generosity of others in our life, it has not gotten any easier to ask for or receive it.  God has spent my entire worry-filled-the-sky-is-falling life telling me to trust Him.  I'm honestly amazed and oh-so-thankful He hasn't just given up altogether at this point.  Praise God for His mercy, compassion, and grace!!  He is so good to me; I know I am so undeserving.  Still, my heart wants nothing more than to please Him and live His will for my life.  

To trust in His will, not mine.  To know without a doubt that He will carry me through.  I am positive, He is with me, and He will take care of me, as He's done so many times before.

So we will continue to save our pennies, and trust that they will provide for our family's needs.  We will strive day after day to be excellent stewards of the blessings given to us, knowing that He sees us and our needs.

For an extra dose of trusting God this week, my neurologist informed me that my insurance denied my request for treatment (thats supposed to happen next week).  She is going to call them, and is confident it will be fine, so we're just trusting God with that situation, too.  Life is always exciting!

This song had me in tears during my morning praise and worship…before I knew about the car.  He put this on my heart today as a great reminder…He knows my name.

Days, Ayiesha Woods

"But what about those days

When you just don't understand
And just when you're getting up
It seems you're falling down again

What about those times
When it's not so easy to believe
When doubt causes you to only
Go by what you see

Don't you wish that every day was an easy day
And there was nothing that you couldn't do

But if every day was an easy day
You'd never be able to say that Jesus brought you through"

This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Sacrificing Control

Today's post is part of a blog link-up with Blessed is She!  If you are looking for an amazing community of Catholic women and great devotionals, I really encourage you to check them out!  Today's #BISsisterhood topic is sacrifice.

Sacrifice is defined as an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

I let that definition soak into my heart as I thought about what to write today.  

Something valued for something worthy.

I thought about what others have sacrificed for me in these past few months, what our Lord sacrificed on the cross for mankind, what I've sacrificed for others…my mind wandered.

What have I sacrificed?  Comfort? Peace of mind? Health? Sleep?  Hot coffee? My body? Happiness?  No, not any of those things.  Control?

Control.  Something valued for something worthy.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Control is a funny thing.  We really don't have any at all, but we love to pretend.  I have always been guilty of thinking I have control over my life (or at least some control), despite the fact that God has tried over, and over, and over to show me that I am seriously stubborn mistaken.  

This week's lesson?  You cannot control a toddler, and they are much more persistent than you will ever be.

What was that, Mom?  Don't climb on the table?

I sat with Thomas last night, complaining talking about how uncertain everything is, and how out of reach a "stable life" feels for us.

"I just never thought this is where we would be nearly four years into our marriage..." I carried on.

Lord, please bless this man.  He is so patient with me in my humanness.  But, You knew he would be, after all…You are God.

And really, isn't that the point?

God is God, and I am not.

God is GOD.  I am NOT.

Little old me, one of God's beloved children…I do not get to see the future, or know precisely how the sky will fall next (will I ever be physically capable of running and playing with my children? Is this pregnancy our last? Will we ever see the end of our financial struggles? The list goes on).  I am not in control.

I am not in control.

And for me, dear friends, that is a true sacrifice...and one of God's greatest blessings to me.

I don't need to worry about the future!  God has my story already written, and His will will be done!  Oh what a relief it is to rest in Him.  I can live with HOPE because that is what he has promised me; hope for a future.  It may not be the future I imagined, but His version of my life is so much better than anything I've ever come up with.

"There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me
Oh, control, it's time
Time to let you go" 
- JJ Heller, Control

Praise be to God, I am not in control.

The Sacrifice of Family

- Today is my first time participating in the blog link-up with Blessed is She!  If you are looking for an amazing community of Catholic women and great devotionals, I really encourage you to check them out!  Today's #BISsisterhood topic is family. -

Nothing shows a person's heart faster than a crisis.  This is especially true if the crisis is a marathon, continuing for days or weeks with no end in sight.  God has placed people in my life with such a heart of sacrifice and service.  It is humbling, and inspires me daily.

My family.

They have made some of the biggest sacrifices in these last few months.  As difficult as this journey has been for me, it has been just as trying for them; the uncertainty, the fear, the exhaustion…they are warriors, too.  There are so many family members I could write about here, but today I will focus on my little unit; Thomas and Eli.

During my time away, my husband lost his wife.  The dirty dishes, the laundry, the moving boxes, the need for companionship and encouragement…they didn't end just because I was in the hospital.  So he sacrificed.  His time, his comfort (rest, home cooked meals, time for reflection), his needs, his sanity…he fought to keep our family going when our life as we knew it came to a screeching halt.  Watching the person you love become completely helpless in a matter of days is so frightening.  Carrying on and putting a smile on your face asks that you reach to the depths of who you are and who God is.  This fight begs for bravery you didn't know you had.  Thomas is my rock on this earth.  My lover, my best friend, my partner in this crazy life and the father of my children.  I would be lost without his amazing soul in my life.

Eli may only be 18 months old (HOW did that happen??), but he also had to sacrifice while I was away.  He lost his mama, and that breaks me.  I cried every day for him, and even when he came to visit, it was too painful to hold him.  He lost the mama that could lift him high and make him laugh, the mama who would sing the same set of songs each night before bed, and snuggle him just right.  He is a warrior too, and I will never forget that.  We are blessed abundantly, and Eli was cared for, played with and loved by family only a few minutes from the hospital.  My mother in law is a warrior, you guys.  She stepped in to love my little boy as her own without being asked.  She took him into their home (so Thomas could continue to work) for weeks, where he was close enough to come visit me easily.  There is no way to repay someone for that sacrifice.  I am blown away by her incredible heart of service and love.

There are so many others, family and "family" who have done SO MUCH for us in these last few months.  I wish I could take the time to acknowledge each of you here, but this post would become a book!  Please know with certainty that your amazing sacrifices have not gone unnoticed or without appreciation.  Someday soon, I will write a post about the amazing community of warriors I have found on this journey.  You all amaze me.

Thank you is not enough.  Those words will never be enough.  So I will choose joy, living each day like the gift that it is, and loving fiercely until He calls me home; which, God willing, will be many beautiful years from today.

"You have called me higher, you have called me deeper, and I'l go where you will lead me, Lord." - Called Me Higher, Sons & Daughters