Celebrating New Beginnings

Whew!  It has been TOO long, friends!!  The last few weeks of pregnancy kicked. my. butt. I was sure I would wake up one morning (if I fell asleep at all) to my body packing it's suitcase and heading for the tropics.  But, we made it!!  On May 23rd our lives changed forever…Miss A. Rose was born!!

I was blessed to be healthy enough for a natural, medication free labor and delivery.  It was a beautiful sunny day when little lady made her appearance, and I was able to spend the majority of my labor at home walking outside.  I'll write her full birth story some other time, but it was perfect.

The reason I have waited so long to blog about her arrival is that I wasn't sure how I would recover physically.  Miss A. is now 3 weeks old and I am, so far, relapse free!!  One of my biggest fears was not being able to come home with her right away, and I feel so fortunate to have been able to do that.  Recovery has been the normal wear and tear that happens after a woman gives birth, but my CIDP has remain unchanged from my last round of IVIG in March.  I still have symptoms that effect me, mainly muscle pain  and weakness, but I will be returning to physical therapy as soon as I am cleared by my OB.  I've actually kind of missed it!  The combination of IVIG and PT together have been crucial in my recovery and improvement.  I am still not as strong as I was pre-CIDP, but I am much stronger since my diagnosis.  I'm hoping to regain enough strength to run around with my little guy (who will somehow be TWO this summer).

Our coffee cups are empty, but our hearts are so, so full.  It is well.

Sacrificing Control

Today's post is part of a blog link-up with Blessed is She!  If you are looking for an amazing community of Catholic women and great devotionals, I really encourage you to check them out!  Today's #BISsisterhood topic is sacrifice.

Sacrifice is defined as an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

I let that definition soak into my heart as I thought about what to write today.  

Something valued for something worthy.

I thought about what others have sacrificed for me in these past few months, what our Lord sacrificed on the cross for mankind, what I've sacrificed for others…my mind wandered.

What have I sacrificed?  Comfort? Peace of mind? Health? Sleep?  Hot coffee? My body? Happiness?  No, not any of those things.  Control?

Control.  Something valued for something worthy.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Control is a funny thing.  We really don't have any at all, but we love to pretend.  I have always been guilty of thinking I have control over my life (or at least some control), despite the fact that God has tried over, and over, and over to show me that I am seriously stubborn mistaken.  

This week's lesson?  You cannot control a toddler, and they are much more persistent than you will ever be.

What was that, Mom?  Don't climb on the table?

I sat with Thomas last night, complaining talking about how uncertain everything is, and how out of reach a "stable life" feels for us.

"I just never thought this is where we would be nearly four years into our marriage..." I carried on.

Lord, please bless this man.  He is so patient with me in my humanness.  But, You knew he would be, after all…You are God.

And really, isn't that the point?

God is God, and I am not.

God is GOD.  I am NOT.

Little old me, one of God's beloved children…I do not get to see the future, or know precisely how the sky will fall next (will I ever be physically capable of running and playing with my children? Is this pregnancy our last? Will we ever see the end of our financial struggles? The list goes on).  I am not in control.

I am not in control.

And for me, dear friends, that is a true sacrifice...and one of God's greatest blessings to me.

I don't need to worry about the future!  God has my story already written, and His will will be done!  Oh what a relief it is to rest in Him.  I can live with HOPE because that is what he has promised me; hope for a future.  It may not be the future I imagined, but His version of my life is so much better than anything I've ever come up with.

"There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me
Oh, control, it's time
Time to let you go" 
- JJ Heller, Control

Praise be to God, I am not in control.

On Being Small

                                                           

I have an announcement…I'M PREGNANT!

Shocking, I know.  "But you don't look pregnant!" "WOW! You're so tiny; you don't show at all!" "I wish I were that small when I was pregnant; you're so lucky!"

Sigh.

What these kind, well-meaning people don't realize is that comments like these actually make me a little sad.

27 Weeks

You see, I've worked so hard on growing this baby…trying to stay healthy enough to make sure she thrives and grows.  I was doing well…the first 4 weeks of the pregnancy I gained the appropriate amount of weight.  Then my body went a little nuts.

If you're reading this blog, you know all about my CIDP journey and how that has affected my body; being bed-ridden for months results in muscle atrophy…I became the amazing shrinking pregnant lady (which isn't nearly as cool as it sounds). In addition to the CIDP, I also began experiencing the symptoms of Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  

Most women experience some degree of morning sickness during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy; HG is extreme morning sickness that often results in hospitalization from severe dehydration and malnutrition.  Women with difficult cases of HG are unable to keep any food down at all, and some suffer like this through their entire pregnancy.  I suffered with severe HG for 22 weeks of my pregnancy, unable to keep even plain cheerios or soup broth down.  The nausea was 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and despite three different anti-nausea medications and IV fluids my symptoms did not improve.  I have never…ever felt that sick in my entire life.

Between the muscle atrophy and the HG, I have lost what little weight I gained in the very beginning of this pregnancy, plus nearly 30 pounds of pre-baby weight.  I now wear my wedding band on my index finger because my hands have gotten too thin.  At 27 weeks pregnant, I am finally starting to look pregnant, and I couldn't be happier about gaining weight.  

Finally, some maternity pants!

We have prayed for this baby; prayed that she would survive and thrive during my tests and treatments for CIDP, that my failing body would not fail her.  She is a miracle, a beautiful celebration of life, and I want everyone to know she's here!  I want to celebrate every pound, every stretch mark, every beautiful "imperfection" that happens to my body as a result of growing this precious baby.

I am still working on accepting my 'new' body; the one that reminds me I'm not quite healthy every time I look in the mirror.  It's a struggle, friends, but I am trying.  

So until my body more obviously reflects my current state, I will wear stripes, shirts that tell the world I'm so pregnant, and embrace being small.

Do these stripes make me look pregnant? ;)

Abigail Rose…arriving at the end of May 2015!

I am 22 weeks pregnant today! I was extremely sick for the first 19 weeks of this pregnancy (I couldn’t even eat plain Cheerios). Thanks to three different anti-nausea medications, I am able to enjoy food most days now. I will celebrate today by eating this out of the jar with a spoon. 🍴💕😋#imsopregnant #boltonsbecomefour #choosejoy

Oh. My. Gosh.

Vera Bradley makes BABY CLOTHES (in amazingly cute packaging)!! I also have the BEST roommate from rehab (@hallie4rose) EVER!! God knew exactly what He was doing when he put us in the same hospital room. This little girl already has nicer clothes than I do! #boltonsbecomefour #theeverydayproject

There have not been nearly enough baby bump pictures this time. Sweet girl, you and I have already had such an incredible journey together. I’m so glad you were there with me through all the scary hospital procedures and unknowns. You and Jesus make me brave. 19 weeks and the smallest bump. #theeverydayproject #boltonsbecomefour