Saying Yes

Today's post is part of a blog link-up with Blessed is She!  If you are looking for an amazing community of Catholic women and great devotionals, I really encourage you to check them out!  Today's #BISsisterhood topic is obedience.

I am a planner by nature.  I generally do very well with life, as long as whatever happens was part of my plan (I can hear God chuckling at me now).  By the time I was 15, I had the next ten years of my life beautifully laid out in a neat little timeline; I "knew" when I was getting married, when I would have my first child, when we would buy our first house, and how many children we would have.  My plan was beautiful, it was perfect, and it left no room for life to actually happen.

I spent the majority of my teen years and a good part of my twenties fighting God's will for my life.  I couldn't understand why He was allowing all of these seemingly terrible things to happen to me.  "Why me?" was a running track in my head, and it wasn't pretty.  I was depressed, anxious, and angry that my perfect plan wasn't working at all like I'd hoped.

I don't remember the exact moment, but at some point I woke up in life and realized that I wasn't in charge.  I knew, of course, that God was in control of my life, but I didn't believe that He was in control.  I was exhausted from trying life my way, and longing for something I just couldn't find.  It was time for a change, and that change was obedience.  It was time for me to humble myself and say yes to God's will for my life.

I wish I could write that the moment I said yes to God life became a garden of sunshine and roses, but that's not how He works.  God doesn't want us to suffer, He wants us to grow.   

Being obedient to God and saying yes every day is messy, but it is beautiful.  Several people have asked how I can remain joyful through all the sufferings of life, and I'm slowly learning the answer; obedience to Christ's will for my life.  When I submit to His will, I have nothing to worry about because I've stopped trying to make my plan work. It's freeing and brings me so much peace, in spite of whatever suffering is asked of me.  I can suffer with joy in my heart, because I know God is using every part of my life for His glory…every moment is an opportunity to grow closer to Him, to say yes and watch Him work.

The morning offering has become one of my favorite prayers because it reminds me to say yes every day.  I love to meditate on the words and soak them into my heart.

Morning Offering
Dear Lord, I do not know what will happen to me today. I only know that nothing will happen that was not foreseen by You, and directed to my greater good from all eternity. I adore Your holy and unfathomable plans, and submit to them with all my heart for love of You, the Pope, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Amen.

"Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be
You pledge yourself to me, and it's why I sing
Your praise will ever be on my lips." - Bethel Music

Trust with Pennies

Today's post is part of a blog link-up with Blessed is She!  If you are looking for an amazing community of Catholic women and great devotionals, I really encourage you to check them out!  Today's #BISsisterhood topic is trust.

I had to smile when I saw that this week's topic was "trust".  God knows exactly what we need, right when we need it.  I am reminded over and over again that He really does hear and see us.

My dad tried for years when I was a teen to get me to understand financial responsibility.  I understood on a surface level, but not a real-world-adult level, so I was not smart with the money I made working as a teen and young adult.  I cringe when I think of how much money I wasted on clothes and concert tickets, especially on days like today.

Thomas and I have been married for nearly 4 years (time flies!), and money has always been "tight".  By tight, I mean that we've gone through several periods of un (or under) employment, and two medical crisis that left Thomas unable to work, and me without a job. It has been stressful.  It has been humbling.  It has required so much trust.

These last few months have been good to us; we were just starting to pick ourselves up from the most recent medical crisis, and I had finally found budgeting software that was written in "Meesh" as we like to say.  It made sense to my brain, and as a result we actually had a working family budget.  It felt great!  I have just started reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book, and we were beginning the first baby step: saving an emergency fund.  

Then Toyota called with a report on our car in the shop.  The brakes need to be replaced, and it's not covered in the warranty.

To quote Mr. Ramsey, "I am positive; it is going to rain, so you need a rainy day fund."  

I would also add trusting God in there as an essential part of your rain attire…just sayin'.

So now we pray, trust, and humble ourselves yet again.  Asking for help, and trusting that God will provide has got to be one of the hardest things I have ever attempted in my life.  As many times as we've needed the support and generosity of others in our life, it has not gotten any easier to ask for or receive it.  God has spent my entire worry-filled-the-sky-is-falling life telling me to trust Him.  I'm honestly amazed and oh-so-thankful He hasn't just given up altogether at this point.  Praise God for His mercy, compassion, and grace!!  He is so good to me; I know I am so undeserving.  Still, my heart wants nothing more than to please Him and live His will for my life.  

To trust in His will, not mine.  To know without a doubt that He will carry me through.  I am positive, He is with me, and He will take care of me, as He's done so many times before.

So we will continue to save our pennies, and trust that they will provide for our family's needs.  We will strive day after day to be excellent stewards of the blessings given to us, knowing that He sees us and our needs.

For an extra dose of trusting God this week, my neurologist informed me that my insurance denied my request for treatment (thats supposed to happen next week).  She is going to call them, and is confident it will be fine, so we're just trusting God with that situation, too.  Life is always exciting!

This song had me in tears during my morning praise and worship…before I knew about the car.  He put this on my heart today as a great reminder…He knows my name.

Days, Ayiesha Woods

"But what about those days

When you just don't understand
And just when you're getting up
It seems you're falling down again

What about those times
When it's not so easy to believe
When doubt causes you to only
Go by what you see

Don't you wish that every day was an easy day
And there was nothing that you couldn't do

But if every day was an easy day
You'd never be able to say that Jesus brought you through"

This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Rejoice. Be Patient. Persevere.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer." - Romans 12:12

Yesterday was one of those days.  The days that God speaks loudly in your ear and says "I hear you, child. See how much I love you?".  An answered prayer in a very big way for our family.  He hears us…and oh, how He loves us!!  There were smiles, lots of cheering, and tons of gratitude.  There was also a fantastic trip to the park with my sweet boy, which filled my heart to the brim.  All that happiness and rejoicing.  My strength for today.

Today is one of those days.  The ones that force you to search yourself for strength you're not sure you have.  The days that push you to rely on something bigger than yourself…to admit that you can't do life on your own.

These are the days that bring me to my knees.  The days of rejoicing. The days of patience.

Today I am having a repeat EMG/NCS test to see how the first round of IVIG (prayerfully) improved my nerve health.  The test takes about an hour, and isn't terribly pleasant (it involves electrically stimulating my nerves and putting needles in my muscles).  It is not as bad as a spinal tap, but would much rather be snuggling my baby toddler.

Today, with even more intent, I choose joy.  I am choosing to rejoice in the hope I have been given.  I choose to be patient during the suffering of the tests, and to persevere in prayer that the tests show some improvement.

Today's goals:
-Rejoice
-Be patient
-Persevere
-Wear pink

Choose joy.

Oh How I Need You

I have been singing/praying this song all week.  Jesus let this be my testimony, may I find you in my seeking and doubt.  Please shine through me, may my life truly be for Your glory…oh how I need you.

Oh How I Need You - All Sons & Daughters
"Lord I find You in the seekingLord I find You in the doubtAnd to know You is to love YouAnd to know so little elseI need YouOh how I need YouOh how I need YouOh how I need You

Lord I find You in the morningLord I seek You everydayLet my life be for Your gloryWoven in Your threads of graceI need YouOh how I need YouOh how I need YouOh how I need You

Light, glorious lightI will go where You shineBreak the dawn, crack the skiesMake the way bright before meIn Your light I will findAll I need, all I need is You

Oh how I need you"

There have been a lot of tears today. They are tears that I’m sure are exacerbated by pregnancy hormones, but tears just the same. Tears of loss.

I have lost so much of my identity in these last few months, but I am not without hope. I have lost my job, we have lost income, I have lost my independence and sense of adulthood. It is humiliating. It is humbling.

I have accepted the tears much more quickly than accepting help. But if I may have a moment of honesty, I am struggling. And so there are tears.

“You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things out of us. You make me new, You are making me new.” -Gungor #CIDP #warrior #givemeJesus #awareness #spoonie #chronicillness

Honest Moment

Can I be honest?  I do not think in sunshine and roses and rainbows all day long.

I still have nightmares about being in the hospital.  The care was wonderful (for the most part), it wasn’t that.  I can recall, in too vivid detail, every moment of my signal tap.  Every moment in the hours that followed.  The pain that wouldn’t stop, and doctors could do nothing about.  The devastation of lack of conclusive results from that test.  The tears from fear over an MRI, the panic attacks in the machine, being told that a second MRI will be needed.

If I’m being honest, I still have nightmares and wake up in tears.

And that’s ok.

It’s ok to be honest, to admit to your human-ness…to be broken.  

To let Him be your strength.  To let God carry you.  To say, “please take this from me”

But not my will…let Yours be done.

Lost and Found

A few years ago, I participated in a drama piece with the amazing church I was then attending.  It was simple…people were asked, in two words, to describe their lives before and after Christ.  We were then asked to write the words on a poster, one word on each side.  We gathered together and one at a time, stood on stage to share our words…our story, with the church.

I was placed last in line.  Holding my poster and sharing my story, I wept in front of everyone.

"lost".

"found".

Those words are my story, even today. 

It’s funny, most days I feel both lost and found.  Lost in a sea of medical terms and tests, fear of the unknown and depression from the known…but found in His embrace and love, found in a peace that I can’t possibly understand, found in hope for the future and joy everlasting.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you’ll abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:3

"Holy Spirit you are welcome here…"

The prayer on my heart today as I realize over and over my need for more of you, Jesus.  I fall to my knees, a weak and humble servant.  Use me, Lord…use me for your glory.

In the morning when I rise… #givemeJesus #choosejoy

By @restorationhouse via @RepostWhiz app:
PROVERBS 31:25 | “…without fear of the future.” #choosejoy #chronicillness #CIDP #givemeJesus

Today was my first day at the Rehabilitation Hospital, and I am completely exhausted. Even having a conversation is exhausting. But this beautiful tree reminds me of the amazing love of Jesus and the life he gave for us. I love the joyful anticipation that comes with the season of Advent. I may be exhausted, but I know He is giving me strength. #CIDP #chronicillness #fighter #givemeJesus #spoonie