In the Light

My mind gravitates towards bright, colorful images; the more light the better.  For years, I lived in emotional darkness that crippled me, but today I choose to live joyfully, in color and light.  Some days that's really, really hard, but nothing will keep me from trying!!

I'm excited to be writing again; I've learned that having a creative outlet (or maybe seven or twelve...) is so. good. for my soul.  Flexing my creative muscles makes me a better wife and mom, and fills my cup.  So i'm writing again, and taking pictures with my real camera again (!!), and singing more (even if it's only to the dirty dishes in the sink).  Life is good.

2016 is the year I will actually complete a 365 (366?) project!  I may not be the best at posting everything each day, but I am actually taking images each day, and that's the important part! Im excited to grow as an artist and document whatever this year decides to throw at us.  I am praying for a much less eventful year, but no matter what, I know God will be with us always!

Cheers to the adventures of 2016; may they be full of love, joy, and light!

On Being Relentless

Relentless, as defined by my good friend Merriam-Webster, is showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace.  In simple terms: strength that remains (see also, #cantstopwontstop).  Oh, to be relentless in joy. It's a beautiful thing.

But what about those days when the joy doesn't come?  when the grey clouds of the world drag you down and all you want is everything that isn't?

Those cloudy days have been my BFF lately, and it's tough.  And I'm here, being honest.  And terrified of the transparency of my weakness.  But what would sharing my story mean if it wasn't told with truth?

In the last year I have: 

- actually started feeling the death of my father (he passed away three years ago, but I think I was in shock), 

- nearly lost my mother to a brain aneurysm (surprise!), 

- quickly lost all physical strength and basic function in my body that I'm still working to regain, 

- carried and birthed a beautiful baby girl enduring a very difficult pregnancy full of complications, 

- had the possibility of future healthy (for me) pregnancies all but ripped from my (and my husband's!) fingertips

...and now I'm attempting to make major dietary and lifestyle changes that will hopefully bring healing, but are making me a very difficult person to live with (I like food).

As a result of this last year, I am a disaster mentally.  I struggled with depression and anxiety as a teenager and through college.  I was finally in a great place mentally when this last year happened, so I am struggling once again.  There are too many days that I'm terrified to go to bed (stress-induced nightmares), and too exhausted to get out of bed once the day begins.  I am angry that my body has betrayed me.  I spend most days lately waiting in worry, rather than joyful hope (what if it's not over?).  But there is something I have this time that I didn't have ten years ago; determined strength.

Yes, I am having a rough winter (I know many are thrilled with the warm days, but I am really not a fan of all the rain and gray skies...come on beautiful snow!!).  The introvert in me would like to stay in the house until spring, avoiding all the socializing that happens this time of year.  But then my heart dares to hope, just for a moment.  

What if...it's not over?

If I could go back fifteen years and talk to my teenaged self, I would hug her and say, "Don't give up! Don't ever give up! Those plans you have for your life?  God's plans are so much better, so much greater than you could ever imagine.  Cry, yell, but seek joy.  It can be hard to find, but with God it's never gone. Be relentless; seek joy."

I may be depressed and anxious, but I am also relentless.  I will not give up.  I will seek joy. I will jump on the couch and dance in the kitchen, even (and especially) on cloudy days. 

It's not over.

A Peaceful Home

Joining in with Blessed is She for another link-up!   This week's theme is Peace, and as always, God's timing is perfect.

Having a toddler forces you to take a long, hard look in the mirror every moment of every day.  As a stay at home mom, I've been struggling lately to be the wife and mother I had always envisioned myself becoming.  Insecurity, fear, and anger are robbing me, and my amazing family, of the love, peace, and joy Christ calls us to.  My negative emotions mean there is little room for peace in our home.  It's time to look in the mirror.

I recently came across an article that describes anger as the surface of much deeper issues.  With tears streaming down my face, I realized I need to do some self healing (and possibly...no, definitely, take a nap).  It isn't January 1st, but today is always a good day for a resolution!  Perhaps goals is a better title for this.  #lifegoals?  Alright, moving on...

Things I wish for this holiday season...

To love myself more
To forgive (both myself and others)
To speak, think, and act with love
To choose kindness, always
To choose joy each day
To let my children see the Mom I've always hoped to be
To show the love of Christ to all
To find more time for Jesus, even when I've already found plenty
To bring peace to my heart, and peace to my home

I know, with Christ, I can do these things.  With His help, all things are possible.  He has already changed my heart in so many ways.

I will end with my favorite prayer and song to St. Francis:

Make me a channel of your peace.  
Where there is hatred let me bring your  love.  Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord  And where there's doubt, true faith in you.  

Make me a channel of your peaceWhere there's despair in life, let me bringhope  Where there is darkness, only light  And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Oh, Master grant that I may never seekSo much to be consoled as to console  To be understood as to understand  To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving to all that we receive,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

Amen.

 

Grace, not perfection.

I am doing well, all things considered.  I can walk, and play with my babies. I can carry groceries and dance in the kitchen (albeit, awkwardly, but I can't really blame my disease for that one ;))....I even managed to complete a newborn session for a dear friend recently!  Yes, God is a healer, and is so very good!  

A comment I hear often now is "You look great! So you're better now?".  Well, yes, I am doing much better! But no, I am not cured, and will be dealing with my autoimmune disease for the rest of my life.  I just don't want to be the wet blanket at every social gathering forever.  Actually, I'm pretty sure being chronically ill has gained me major cool points!  Or at lease that's what I tell myself. :)

For those wondering, because I am asked often, I still suffer from neuropathy (pins and needles, numbness, and loss of sensation) in my extremities and in my back, and pain in certain areas (my entire face is still very tender: I can't rest my head in my hands, or snuggle into someone's shoulder, for example). Stress makes my symptoms worse, as does being too active, or not active enough. I have become an expert at walking the health tight rope!

Since I still have symptoms that effect my daily life, my last round of treatment put me back in the hospital, and I'd really like to stay out of the hospital for awhile (dream big, people!), I have decided to make some major lifestyle changes to help heal my body.  Enter, the AIP diet!

AIP stands for Auto Immune Protocol, or Auto Immune Paleo, depending on who you talk to.  I still have SO much to learn about it, and the details really aren't the point of this post, but is basically the opposite of the fast/frozen/convenience/carb food diet I've lived on my entire life.  More info on AIP here if you're interested!

When I'm having a good day and plan well, the food is amazing and delicious and I wonder why I haven't always eaten this way.

Most days, I hate the idea of chopping another vegetable, raw meat completely grosses me out, and I wonder why I'm torturing myself and killing our budget with attempting to set the house on fire cook.

Have I mentioned I've never really cooked?  My knife skillz could be replicated by my two year old. 

Enter, grace! NOT perfection.

"I will hold myself to a standard of GRACE, not perfection." - Emily Ley

Rinse and repeat.

Diets are not just for weight loss.  I am trying to save my life.  I am trying to add years to my living.  I am trying to make sure I'm there to sob hysterically at my children's weddings (God willing, of course).  I am trying desperately to stay out of the hospital.  

I'm also trying to forgive myself for the many times I fail and indulge in a now forbidden food.  Baby steps.  And perseverance. And grace upon grace.

BIS Sisterhood | Living Faith

It's that time again!!  I am SO excited to be joining back into the #BISsisterhood link-up with Blessed is She!   If you're a Catholic woman looking for an awesome community of sisters in Christ, check them out!  You can even get daily devotions right to your inbox each morning...life saver for this mama!

This week's topic is "Living Faith", which made me both excited and nervous.

"Faith is meant to be LIVED! How are you living it out today?"

Well, gosh...I spent all afternoon washing the dishes without complaining, does that count?

In all honesty though, I stole an idea heard on an episode of the Building Bridges podcast (seriously, those ladies rock; you should  have them over for digital coffee), and I try to make each part of my day a prayer.

Sometimes the prayer is a simple "thank you, God for this beautiful weather", sometimes it's a Hail Mary said as I load dishes into the washer, or try to match yet another pair of socks...and sometimes it's me face to the floor (or to the sky, depending on the day) saying "God. Help."

A more recent addition to living my faith is something so simple, I used to take it for granted.

I make plans.

A little over a year ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about making plans; of course I could go to that get together!  A concert? Sounds great!  But when my world was rocked with a life-long illness, I froze in my tracks.  Thinking about the next five minutes terrified me, never mind next week.  Would I feel well enough to attend that party?  Could I actually simon the strength to bring a dish, or help out?  Or my worst fear, would I even be home? Would I be in the hospital again?

These are questions that still pop into my head when anyone asks me to show up somewhere more than an hour from when they ask, but I am no longer paralyzed in fear.  Looking back on my life and seeing all the situations where God showed up and blew all my insecurities right out of the water...how could I not believe He would show up again?  I know He will, so I say yes to plans.  I say yes to my future, because I have complete faith in His perfect will for my life.

Play dates, kitchen dance sessions, and throwing joy around like confetti.  This is my living faith; my heart is full.

One Year

Yesterday marks one year.  365 days from when my first symptoms began and changed my life forever.  It's very bittersweet.

These last 365 days have been some of the most terrifying, exhausting, heartbreaking days I've ever known.  They have also been some of the most beautiful, and I am humbled that God chose me to walk this journey as part of my story.  

I have been changed in a most extraordinary of ways, and have never felt Christ's presence more than I do now.

Today, as I watch the leaves begin to change, I will continue to fight.  To choose joy, even when I want to cry out in fear.  To choose love, because each day I have with my family truly is a gift.  

On the days when I am spent, when the toddler listens "with his nose" as we say and the baby won't settle, I will thank God for being healthy enough to be home with and caring for my babies.  I will remember all those nights in the hospital spent crying and wishing for the strength to hold my son...and I will choose joy.

At the end of the week when I have reached the end of my rope, I will greet my husband with a smile and a kiss, because there were so many nights I longed just to see his face, or receive a hug without flinching in pain.

When I don't want to go downstairs to get something because I just came from there, I will choose joy, and remember that only a few months ago I could not even roll in bed, let alone walk.

When I unload the dishwasher, or complete any other household task that I used to dread, I will praise God for healing and strength, because I celebrated the day I could lift a small plate.

I see now more than ever how blessed I am in this life, and I intend to cherish as much of it as I can.  There are still difficult days...days that leave me wondering if I am at the beginning of a relapse, or if I will someday lose the strength I have worked o hard for months to gain back.  But on those days I try very hard to remember just how far I have come this year...just how far God has brought me, and how He continues to show up in my life over and over again.  

Trusting Him with my life over and over again...I consider it nothing but joy.

"…And so we wait in joyful hope"

This summer has been one of such joy!  Simple days full of family and friends, both near and far.  New experiences and new appreciation for re-learned skills.  We're working on jumping (like an inch) in PT now!  Watch out, bounce houses…I'm coming for you! ;)

Our sweet girl is growing beautifully, smiling and cooing, and the little mister is going to be TWO in less than 10 days!  God is so, so good.  

After to many phone calls and a few backflips through red tape, I will be starting another round of IVIG tomorrow morning (yesterday, I started writing this a few nights ago).  As nervous as I am (why do I still get nervous?), I am also excited because this round of treatment will be done from the comfort of my own couch!  Praise God for home care!!  Instead of spending the week lonely, I will be having "coffee dates" with amazing friends who have offered to be my hands and feet this week while I'm attached to an IV.  I am so beyond humbled every time I sit and think about the angels God has placed in my life.  There are no words…you are each more of a blessing than I could ever possibly explain.  Thank you is simply inadequate.

Attending Mass with a newborn is a funny thing.  Just when I think we have prepared perfectly (the baby is fed, the toddler is in the nursery, we actually remembered the checkbook for the offering and our clothes are clean), little miss proves me wrong.  Between feedings, diaper changes, and where is that pacifier again, I'm not sure I have actually heard the homily in over a month.  As a result, I have been trying to really meditate on the phrases that I do hear.  

"…and so we await with joyful hope the coming of our savior Jesus Christ."

What a beautiful reminder.  Waiting with joyful hope…not anxiety or fear...sadness or doubt, but hope…joyfully.  

Living each day with hope, knowing that this world is not our home, that He has something more beautiful than we could ever realize waiting for us.  Even in the midst of suffering and pain, I take comfort this hope for a future with Him.  Consider this life nothing but joy, dear friends.  For God's desire is not a perfect life on this earth, but perfect peace resting in His will.